Military Jokes and Humor

Funning Boot Camp Stories

Drill Instructor
I'm gonna recycle you so far back it's gonna take Michael J. Fox and a souped-up Delorian to get you back!!!. By Staff Sergeant J.L. Wright Jr. (www.usmc.mil images) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Note: These are actual events; funny drill-instructor incidents, submitted by our readers

Getting Recycled

"I'm going to recycle you so far you'll be at your first DEP meeting by the time I get through with you!"

    Submitted by AirmanSoto

    Screwing with the Dorm Guard

    I was doing dorm guard at the time...and the TI was obviously bored

    TI - "DORM GUARD!"

    Me - "Sir trainee so and so reports as ordered!"

    TI - "What the hell do you want?"

    Me - "Sir you called me."

    TI - "Are you on acid?"

    Me - "No Sir."

    TI - "Get out of my face!"

    - 2 seconds elapse -

    TI - "DORM GUARD! ... let me out.."

      Submitted by ScopeDope001

      Happiness

      Army BCT...I was walking out the door to a formation and I was all upbeat about passing my PT earlier this morning. I was smiling and bouncy as anything...I was walking out the door when the DI said "PVT[me], get over here!"

      I grabbed a buddy and went over to him.

      He looked at me and said, "Pvt, no matter how you happy you get, you'll still be ugly."

      I looked at him for half a second, looked at my buddy and we (me and buddy) burst out laughing.

      Another drill sergeant comes over and looks at us. He then asked me:

      "Are you on crack?"

      All four of us just about died laughing.

        Submitted by jadephoenix84

        Is That You?

        Intercom: "Dorm Guard?"

        Me: "Sir, Trainee XXX reports as ordered!"

        Intercom: "Is that you XXX?"

        Me: "Yes Sir."

        Intercom: "Damn."

        Sad thing was I ended up being one of the better Ddorm Guards.

          Submitted by TSUBAME2

          Liar!

          I screwed up big,

          "Liar! (My nickname my T.I. gave me), you're the reason why I can't go to @#$%&! Walmart and buy spray paint. They lock that sh*t up cause of huffers like you!"

            Submitted by SIRPHREA1

            Firing a Training Instructor

            I remember the time when our male TI made one of our trainees fire the female TI because he told him that the other TI wasn't in the dorm at the time.

            "If nobody's in there then that must mean that she's fired right? SO GO TELL HER SHE'S FIRED"

              Submitted by ScopeDope001

              Bridges

              During P days when we were being instructed on tying our shoes without the bridge:

              "Sailors don't have bridges, gangbangers have bridges. My - a-didas...@#$%&!! that S**T!

              Jeez and there were so many more...

              "Shrek you still LLD?"

              "No Petty Officer" [Hands fitforfull duty chit]

              "Good, [snaps fingers]hit it" [points at floor]

                Submitted by Banja

                Piss Test

                "You'd better drink some #*$& water, I don't want your piss looking like golddust."

                After a recruit got a little too casual: "Okay 'Simmons,' do you wanna sit on the front porch swing, hold hands and drink lemonade with me?"

                  Submitted by COORDINATEDP

                  Tap Water

                  PVT: "Excuse me, Drill Sergeant?"

                  DS: "What is it?"

                  PVT: "Drill Sergeant, I cannot drink the tapwater."

                  DS: "Why not?"

                  PVT: "The impurities make me ill, Drill Sergeant."

                  DS: "Ill?"

                  PVT: "Yes, Drill Sergeant. I can only drink bottled water."

                  The Drill Sergeant paused a beat, unbelieving.

                  Then he gestured at a nearby private.

                  DS: "Private XXX, go and help Private Tapwater fill up his canteen, and make sure that he drinks it. There's nothing wrong with that water!"

                  For the rest of the Basic Training, he was known as Private Tapwater. The other screwups like me were so glad to have him there, it saved us a lot of 'personal attention' from the Drill Sergeants. Thank you again, Pvt. Tapwater!

                    Submitted by Kozure

                    Checking the ID

                    T.I. beats on door.

                    T.I. - "Let me in!"

                    Me - "Sir, dorm A6 may I see your indentification?"

                    T.I. (puts picture of cat up to door) - "Here's my ID!"

                    Me - "Sir, Trainee ***** reports as ordered! Sir that's not the proper ID."

                    T.I. - "What the hell do you mean that's not the proper ID? It's a pussy. You're telling me you wouldn't let a guy in if he had pussy with him?"

                      Submitted by SIRPHREA1

                      Recycle

                      "I'm gonna recycle you so far back it's gonna take Michael J. Fox and a souped-up Delorian to get you back!!!"

                        Submitted by kappasig1304

                        Recycle

                        Every time my T.I. would "recycle" someone they'd tell them to "pack your trash" and start playing "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen lound so everyone could hear it (worst part was he would sing to it and laugh).

                          Submitted by SIRPHREA1

                          Push-Ups

                          DI: "Drop and give me fat-lady pushups! Nope - she's fatter 'n that!"

                            Submitted by KIRIANDRA

                            Excuse Tree

                            TI: "Trainee Reimer, what is this?"

                            Me: "Sir, Trainee Reimer reports as ordered. It's a sock sir."

                            TI: "I know it's a sock, dumbass, look at how it's folded. What's your excuse for this?"

                            Me: "I had someone help me, because I was working chapel guide, I just got back 20 minutes ago."

                            TI: "Well trainee, your just one big @#!%&! excuse tree aren't you? Got an excuse for everything, you like being an excuse tree? We'll make you one."

                            He starts throwing clothes over me, making a tree out of all the clothes in my clothing drawer, which I am holding in my arms, standing at attention. He finishes all the other inspections and tells me to put my clothes away, commending me for keeping my military bearing. I must have stood there, not moving for about 25 minutes, covered in clothes.

                              Submitted by Chuck Reimer

                              Men in Skirts

                              This past week in my NROTC, OW, the Marine option MIDI got a kilt for a kid who was scottish and madE him wear it. He then went up to another kid and this was the dictum"

                              M: "Do you like Mr. Smith in a skirt?"

                              Kid: "Yes, Sir!"

                              M: "So you like men in skirts?"

                              Kid: "Um... no sir!"

                              M: "Are you lying to me Mr. Schmoe?"

                              Kid: "Um... no sir!"

                              M: "So do you like men in skirts?"

                              Kid: "Ah........ yes sir!"

                              I'm not quite sure how we all kept our bearing.

                                Submitted by Dan

                                Radar Scopes

                                My brother (Air Force, '60's) says a guy at chow was apparently looking around in line, and was pulled out and made to stand at attention with his head swiveling back and forth, saying "I am a radar scope, I am a radar scope...."

                                My brother was at the head of his group going in, rounded the corner, and saw this guy doing his thing. Bro never could keep a straight face and busted out laughing, so... by the time it was all over there was a whole line of them saying "I am a radar scope..."

                                  Submitted by AECFNavyMom

                                  No Cussing

                                  "Lima company you just #$%^&! UP! *Aham* Belay my last! Lima company, you just jerked up!"

                                    Submitted by Mike

                                    Homosexuality

                                    A DI catches a recruit losing his bearing by not keeping his eyes locked on in front of him.

                                    DI: "Recruit Smith (last name changed), Did I just catch you checking out my ass?!!!"

                                    Smith: "No, sir!"

                                    DI: "Are you a faggot, Recruit Smith?"

                                    Smith: "No, sir"!

                                    DI: "Well if you are, then you're out of luck! I'm so straight, I don't even know what the word homosexual freakin' means!"

                                      Submitted by TAXMAN2A

                                      Getting the Boot

                                      You try that again sh*tbag, and I swear to god I will climb up the side of the chowhall and jump off like %^&$#! Spiderman and put my boot through your chest, do you understand that?!"

                                        Submitted by TAXMAN2A

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